I'm at the edge

   Of my life: of my dreams, my hopes and expectations, my realizations, of what I'm not, of what I was, of what I won't be, of that I have achieved and of that has slipped away. At the edge, at the very edge of my patience, of my faith, of love, of the road, of war, and of peace, of a tempest, of a riot, of disorder, of drifting, of holding on, of letting go...

That's Not It...

"At a dark night, trudging up along the road alone, it's not that I cried thinking of you. When I found one of your socks in my bed, it's not that I cried cause I missed you changing your socks. I cried because the heating system broke down.When I found your cold medicine in my drawer, it's not that I cried cause I worried about you who would catch cold often. It's not that I couldn't sleep and got drunk with the muffler you gave me on my skinny shoulders and cried.I cried because the heating system broke down.At a dark night, trudging up along the road alone, I cried thinking of you." 

 I always get teary eyed when I listen to this song is just so heartfelt that even when I first heard it and couldn't understand the lyrics I still felt it. That melancholic and sad feeling.

This

   This little drawing made think about life and the person I want to be. Lately I've been asking myself: "why so jaded?" Even thought I love rain I alway find myself sheltering from it, whether to protect my hair, my clothes, my health or all of the previous. Yet at the same time I find this tiring. I do not want to run for shelter anymore. I want to embrace the rain, life, love, wonder, fully and head on. 

You Again

  Still today I keep on reminding myself that I can't force you to care. All of the times when I did something for you keep on replaying in my head & as I do, the more I realize how little you care there I was having these grand gestures for you & you simply did not care.
  What hurts me the most is that I knew then & I know now that you are a warm and caring person, who takes details, no matter how small into consideration yet mine always seem(ed) to go unnoticed. I always got(get) the worse of you.
   But I guess that's what I accounted for not being quite a friend, quite a lover or quite a feud. It feels so weird to be remembering these things & even more to be writing them but I guess I need to let them out, vent them & throw them to the wind.

In Your Atmosphere

Wherever I go, Whatever I do
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you
Wherever you go, Wherever you are
I watch that pretty life play out in pictures from afar 

I got a job now!

...aaaaaaaaaaand I'm beat! I'm so tired being up since 6, and have been moving non stop since 7:30am it was 9 something and I was still not done. Yet is a happy tired a good tired heheh

Recover

Been torn apart,
Got so many scratches and scars,
Maybe they wont all go away,
But they'll fade,
Maybe time can mend us together.. again.
Its not what we've done but, how far we've come.

We will recover
The worst is over, now.
All those fires we've been walking through,
And still we survive, somehow.
We will recover
The worst is behind
And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover.
(Yeah yeah) 

Sunset :)

Sunset :) 

    A picture I took a couple days I ago while I was walking my dog. As beautiful as it looks in the picture it pails in comparison with "the real thing". Like I always say is the little things ;)

Neon

She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away

Yesterday

    Someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years" and I went blank like completely blank. The first thing that popped to my head after a rather long period of blankness was "alive (?) and happy (?)" I was able to deflect the question and actually gave a decent answer, yes decent but not sincere. This let me to actually think about this and I realize I have no short term, mid-term, or long-term goals set for my life. I'm just like rolling with the punches (no wonder things I want never materialize).

   It was very heartbreaking for me to realize that I have no goals, no dreams, no nothing for me in the future other than being alive and happy. Me the girl who used to have the big dreams and set goals, suddenly has none (besides getting my B.A in Psychology). It like yes I'm studying psychology yet I don't know if I'm interested in clinical psychology or others areas, I don't know what I'm going to do after I get my Bachelor will I actually live of my psychology knowledge? Will I further my education until I have a PhD and I'm able to have my own practice and what not? Will I be able to? Would I want to?
   I'm not sure when I became the person with no goals and no dreams. No dreams, that sounds so sad. I know for sure it's not who I want to be. Because if one does not have dreams what does one have, you know? They say thats why dreaming is free. Because dreams give people courage to go after them. But not only I do not have any dreams I also don't know what I want. I don't. I never thought I'd be in my twenties without knowing what I want from life. I used to be so sure , so assertive of what I wanted out of life and how I was going to get it. I saw myself going places...I always thought that by the time I was the age I am now I was going to be working in my masters. But no life happen and I'm still a year away from getting my bachelors.
   So I guess what I'm saying is I'm going to work hard(er) on my dreams, I'm going to find them wherever they are, and whatever they might be and then I will love and cherish them. This time around I will not care how silly and unattainable they might be and I will not put myself down whenever they look faraway and impossible. Little by little, day by day, step by step I will make them mine. I know that to do this I have to change my mind, renew it because I am afraid of dreaming, of the things I want out of life, afraid of never getting them, afraid figuring out my dreams and goals and then not having the courage to go after them. I feel like this is stuff a high schooler should be writing/ living I feel kind of dejected being twenty-two and just now starting to figure this stuff out.

"Dream big, that way even if it shatters you have a big piece left."

Song Chang-Iu

Le sight*

I had a job interview today and I have no idea how it went... they said they will let me know either tonight or tomorrow.

Things I'm considering

• Giving up dairy. 
• Giving up meat. 
• Eat more fish.
• Procrastinate less 
• Read more books about psychology 
• Moving to Toronto 
• Getting my driver license by early next month.
• Start doing some kind of sport. 

Today

   I'm walking down memory lane. And it's quite an odd place to be...

I'm surprised at the things that hurt me still and even more perplexed at the things that today do not hurt in the slightest.

"...suave,sereno."

Promises, Promises

I'm only twenty-three for
Another hour, give or take,
I'm a fan of yours
And I need a good mistake

I'm not a sinner, a preacher
All I have is slight of hand
I do magic tricks for
All the boys in the band

Baby could I be
The rabbit in your hat?
I'd swing if you'd hand me..
Hand me the bat

I'm on the road of least resistance
I'd rather give up than give into this
So promise me only one thing, would you?
Just don't ever make me promises..
No promises, no promises

I've never done this before
Promises, promises,
I'm enjoying the illusion
And the things my body says

Now you see me, now you don't
Oh, how well you disappear
What are you running from
And may I interfere?

Baby could I be
The rabbit in your hat?
I'd swing if you'd hand me..
Hand me the bat

I'm on the road of least resistance
I'd rather give up than give into this
So promise me only one thing, would you?
Just don't ever make me promises..
No promises, no promises 

Someday

...when we meet which I'm sure we will. All that was there will be there still, I'll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that I've moved on.... 

I don't know

...This could break my heart or save me.

There will be no white flag

I won't put my hands down and surrender.

Yesterday

    Yesterday I really really need it a shoulder to lean on, literally. I got less than 3 hours of rather mediocre sleep before having to wake up. I felt as heavy as an elephant, my feet, my head, my life! Yet after coffee and breakfast I felt better. After a very busy morning and afternoon around 5pm I was done and my head felt even heavier than before and something was pounding at my temples.

    But I still had to babysit my nephew until 11pm and he was so hyper today. As the hours unraveled all I wanted was a shoulder to lean on, someone that understood how I felt and quietly would just lead my head to its shoulders and than pat me very gently, and without words I of course would understand that is ok to close my eyes and that someone understood how heavy my whole being felt.  

The promise

Jason: “I wasn’t going to say anything because I’m embarrassed and it hurts my ego, but…why aren’t you keeping your promise?”

Pil-sook: Promise? Oh…the 200-day proposal. You know, it was really hard for me to lose weight. I couldn’t eat or drink what I wanted. I nearly died and came back to life. And then when I thought about it…about doing all that because of you…it felt like a waste. I wonder if I did all that for someone who has no dreams, no goals. So, I gave it up.

source:dramabeans.com

Karaoke Time ♫

Do what you feel now, electric feel now♩

Red Umbrella

Red Umbrella by Leonid Afremov 

Atelphobia

The fear of never being good enough.

:)

          Thanks GoD for friends.

Today

   It has been one of those days where I can't seem to win. And everything fails and nothing makes much sense. I'm a little tired, a little sad, a little blue and very melancholic. Even if I try no to my mind keeps wandering to things and people that in the past. Even thought I wholeheartedly set them free and let them go, my hands seem to be forming a fist, as in holding tightly to all that. Everything comes back to me and everything hurts the memories: the thing I said and did but most of all what I did not say nor do.
    I'm just grateful that tomorrow is another day, another chance and we'll see how it goes. One day at a time.

"Today I am sad but soon I'll be singing & 

I promise I will not remember the past anymore"

Los Enigmas

 Me habéis preguntado qué hila el crustáceo 

entre sus patas de oro

y os respondo: El mar lo sabe.

Me decís ¿qué espera la ascidia en su campana transparente?
¿Qué espera? Yo os digo: espera como vosotros el tiempo.

Me preguntáis ¿a quién alcanza el abrazo del alga Macrocustis?
Indagadlo, indagadlo a cierta hora, en cierto mar que conozco.

Sin duda me preguntaréis por el marfil maldito del narval,
para que yo os conteste
de qué modo el unicornio marino agoniza arponeado.

¿Me preguntáis tal vez por las plumas alcionarias que tiemblan
en los puros orígenes de la marea austral
Y sobre la construcción cristalina del pólipo habéis barajado
sin duda, una pregunta más, desgranándola ahora? 

¿Queréis saber sobre la eléctrica materia de las púas del fondo?
¿La armada estalactita que camina quebrándose, 
El anzuelo del pez pescador,
la música extendida en la profundidad como un hilo en el agua?

Yo os quiero decir que esto lo sabe el mar,
que la vida en sus arcas
es ancha como la arena, innumerable y pura
y entre las uvas sanguinarias
el tiempo ha pulido la dureza de un pétalo,
la luz de la medusa
y ha desgranado el ramo de sus hebras corales
desde una cornucopia de nácar infinito.

Yo no soy sino la red vacía que adelanta ojos humanos,
muertos en aquellas tinieblas,
dedos acostumbrados al triángulo,
medidas de un tímido hemisferio de naranja.

Anduve como vosotros escarbando
la estrella interminable,
y en mi red, en la noche, me desperté desnudo,
la única presa:un pez encerrado en el viento. 

Pablo Neruda

                     Canto General

Don't you remember

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again? 

   this ought to be my favorite song from her, I mean I pretty much love all of her but this one gets relevant and personal and gets to me on so many levels. 

Today

  My head is a mess today, but in a good way. I think....I mean I don't know (yup is that bad hahah). I wish I could explain myself better but I can't is one of those rare occasions where things in order to be understood need to told and see and feel the body language of the person talking. Ahhg that's the problem with writing when trying to convey such strong emotions one is never sure if the feelings are been convey. So much stuff happen in so little time that my brain has not had the chance to process it, while my heart so engage it and live it  (& felt it) 110%. I feel like I'm not myself is not like me to just let my heart gear me but just this once I feel he's not in the wrong at all.
  I guess the waiting for tomorrow to start start living has gotten a little old for me, recently when face with new challenges and new things I've have asked myself: "if not now, when?" and wow, I'm marveled at how a little change in my mind set has made such a huge change in life. And my brain is working overtime trying to rationalize the currents events and is actually making me second guess myself so much to the point where is not even 9:00 pm and I'm already exhausted from over thinking. I'm not quite sure where this is going or what I'll do but I do know that I don't what to fall prey of fear.

Julian Casablancas ♥

Random Julian post just because I love him & I have been listening to the strokes all freaking day.

  

All images are from google.

Balada del Recuerdo

Llueve una lluvia fácil... negligente.
Casi sin desazón. Casi sin ruido...
Y en un sitio del alma... en el olvido
los recuerdos me asaltan de repente.

Recuerdo cosas... cosas... todavía
como si todavía las viviera.
(Aquel amor que tanto me mintiera
acaso sin saber que me mentía).

Una ciudad tan buena como el trigo
surge de pronto en tierras desiguales.
Un calendario pulcro... sin señales.
(Voy por las calles de anteayer contigo).
Nuestras miradas con amor -sin dudas-
redescubrían cosas evidentes:
la tierra con sus árboles, las gentes,
nuestras manos vacías y desnudas.

La lluvia por las calles recorría
con el sol enredado en sus cristales.
-Noble ciudad de agudas catedrales
(Me cuentan que allí vives todavía).

Todo nos separaba y nos unía.
Un gesto, una canción, una mirada.
El amor era todo... y era nada...
y era eterno no más porque moría.

Y nadie puede sepultar sus muertos
tan verdaderamente sepultados
que no puedan volver, si recordados,
a los brazos amantes y desiertos.

Las horas no se pueden devolver
ni lo que en ellas fue pasión o grito.
(Aquí todo es igual porque está escrito
y ya no es cierto porque está en ayer).

Aquí todo es igual. Nada envejece
al margen de las horas sin fortuna.
El mismo grillo con la misma luna...
y todo como estaba permanece.

Y como en los recuerdos no varía,
el viento lleva aún sobre sus hombros
de aquella nube grande los escombros.
(Y nunca acaba de pasar el día).

Nuestros rostros se miran a través
de la lluvia o la luz recién nacida.
Aquí la muerte pasa inadvertida
bajo el verde implacable del ciprés.

Los rostros de este sitio no regresan
jamás al ejercicio cotidiano.
(Aquí mi mano vive entre tu mano.
Aquí los corazones no nos pesan).

Eres. Soy. Cuánta soledad en torno.
Aún vivo y vives. Sorprendente llama.
Viajamos bajo el sol. Sobre la grama.
(Aquí en el calendario no hay retorno).

         Carmelina Soto 

It's my birthday!!!

google.com/images

I had an awesome birthday! Thanks God for friends, for life, for faith, for the little moments. Thanks everyone. Each one and every one of you made me feel so bless and thankful to be alive.

50 minutes left

and then is my birthday!
I even have a birthday song...well I have several but this one in particular is funny & witty.
aaah I can't wait =)

google.com/images

Mad World 2

Mad World 2 by Peihang

It's almost my birthday

google.com/images 

  My birthday is around the corner and I'm already preparing myself for a crappy birthday. I have this "thing" that is just like I know for sure it will suck. First of all my birthday will be mid-week which basically means everybody works and I'll pretty much be home alone up until 6 pm (that is when my mom gets home) and my closest friends are and will still be out of town. In the last few months I've been so busy with school, work and what not that I pretty much been out of the loop being an island and stuff. Also I've been so emotional lately that even cartoons make me (damn you hormones!) so I know that the slightest thing that happens or does not happens on my birthday WILL actually get to me.
  On the other hand is not that I buy in the 'omg i'm getting old" thing I actually cherish getting to live another year but this year getting older feels burdensome and frustrating mainly because I have made it another year where I haven't accomplish anything: I still don't have my degree, I still don't have a driver license, I have not seen the places I want to see...  Is so frustrating I have this long list of things I just have not done and that infuriates me so much and makes me feels frustrated. It's like I have my wings clipped.
   Which makes me wonder: when? when will it be my time to fly? to do these things I want to do so much but that seem so unattainable. It's like everything gets in the way life, murphy's law, money, etc... is like is never my time and right now I just wonder will it ever be my time? when? Oh right this was about my birthday, it's not like I'm setting myself up for defeat and all that I'm just looking at the facts, I don't want to get my hopes up and think otherwise because for me to have a good birthday a lot of facts/things will have to come together in a miracle like concoction and I don't see that happening it's better if I keep it real. So yeah here's hoping I make it unscathed and I don't turn into an emotional wreck.

so yeah

For the Nth time I changed the name of this blog, so yeah...

PS: I also got my first question thank you to whoever took the time for asking and sorry I couldn't comply to your request.

can you please add the follow widget? thanks love your blog!

I don't think I'll be adding the follow widget thought, mostly because I don't want to focus on how many followers I have, you know? I tend to get self- conscious about what I write and all that if I'm aware of how many people follow my blog. Thank you so much for liking my blog :)

Ask me anything

Peach Sunset

 
   The sunset was b e a u tiful! Yesterday it was peach colored, it was so pretty. A sight to be seen I tell ya'. That's the thing about life, there's so much beauty and meaning in the little things. Sometimes I forget about this. I've been walking my dog at the same time for a while now. Everyday I see the sunset and yet everyday is a different sight, everyday is unique, each day has it's own colors. Sometimes the colors are very muted and others it seems like the sky is exploding.
   Yesterday my sister & nephew joined me as I walked my dog. It was awesome as much as I like walking my dog by myself because its my time to relax and think and all that stuff, it was actually quite nice having company. I don't know what's with me lately but I have this "need" (for a lack of a better word) to connect with people, to not be by myself, which is actually totally against my character since I actually like being alone. But it's ok, I guess from time to time even us loners feel the need to connect. And that's fine with me. We walked over 4 miles, that felt like nothing! maybe because we were having so much fun chatting and what not hahah. I don't think my dog was as amused as we were though hahah.

Jotta A- Agnus Dei

I have no tears left, this kid is 12 years old and the passion with which he's just praising the Lord is humbling, he was not there to win, to appeal the audience he was there to praise the Lord God Almighty. Even as I type this tears stream down my face.

Random

My favorite colors are black, grey/slate and purple. Sometimes indigo, white and navy blue. I like all kinds of purple but the really pale lavender ones those I dislike because they are much too pinkish for my taste. And I like minimalistic aesthetic, as to why my blog ended up being bright yellow & bright green really is beyond me hahah. I like it for now, maybe it will gone tomorrow maybe not, well see. I just wanted a little change from my usual colors, since everything I own ends up being a shade of purple or black or slate. On a last note this entry is so random, I can't even yet am I mad, not even! hahah

PS: I just ate 6 plus (I stopped counting after that) mini candy bars that I snatched from my nephew because and I quote myself "too much candy is bad for you" *sight* I'm a bad, bad auntie hahah.

PSS: The bright yellow lasted less that I thought it would, I seriously could not stand de brightness and after trying almost every template I ended up with black and white...again hahah but is good is timeless right? a la Coco Chanel hahah

That person...

  It doesn't matter if it was at Shinsa-donng, at 34th st and 5th ave, in the botanical gardens or a local movie theater I think it has happen to the best of us, that we have waited for someone that never showed up...and for some of us we never saw them again or in a really long time.

Coreografia

En fin
que no he vivido nada.
No sé qué cosa es una guerra
y tengo como prisión al cuerpo
y alma como campo de batalla.

Me debato entre la duda
de reflexionar o fluir;
esto es situarse en el palco de los espectadores,
o estar
en cada íntimo instante del milagro.

Vivo de pedacitos,
pero aspiro a la totalidad,
es decir a Mozart y al poema que me redima
y me revele los espacios absolutos
y la nada.

Percibo de mí
los sitios más secretos:
la culpa,
una tercera conciencia de las cosas,
la dualidad del pensamiento,
la ira pequeña
por lo que ya ocurrió.
Pero he vivido poco. Treinta años.
Dos amores de piel
y un querer abandonar
esta espera que me señala la vida.

Anhelo la anarquía,
el más tierno desorden del amor,
la cábala
los relojes de arena y una habitación sencilla.

Quiero tener un destino trazado de antemano,
encontrarme con Dios
y los abismos
y no tener conciencia de la llama.
Ser la llama misma y la aventura.

Pero vengo de soledades últimas,
de conversaciones que nunca concluyeron,
de espejos que me miraron desde la infancia hasta ahora,
de abandonados armarios de caoba que fueron
de tías o de abuelas remotísimas.

Cuán poco he vivido.
No conozco la guerra. Y tampoco la paz.
Me duele la orfandad,
el desarraigo,
el sentirme extranjera en cualquier sitio,
el no pertenecer
a una familia o a una patria.

No puedo narrar una batalla;
ni hablar del hambre y de la peste,
ni escribir la canción de algún soldado herido,
ni hablar de mujer violada,
ni decir cómo es un cementerio después de una llovizna.

Pero anhelo decir en el poema
que la vida me conmueve,
que respiro mejor cuando me entrego,
que necesito amar de la manera más simple y primitiva.
Me gusta la paz y la defiendo
y la guerra cuando es justa,
y el sabor de las mandarinas cuando llega el verano,
que me gusta ser una y arraigarme en el cosmos,
y sentir que mi vida palpita al mismo tiempo que la vida,
aunque no haya vivido,
aunque mi hambre sea de infinito,
aunque no sepa expresar
que por alguna razón precisa estoy aquí,
a punto de vencer,
a punto de morir,
de vivir.

                      Mia Gallegos 

Buzzer Beat: Love Makes Me Strong

google.com/images

Kings of Leon

              I'm currently compulsively obsessed with this song

"Lay where you are laying don't make a sound. I know they are watching...they are watching..."

walking

Some raw, unedited and uneventful pictures of todays walk with my dog. Today we walked for almost an hour while I listened to "sex on fire" by Kings of Leon the whole time. Life is good. God is good :)

sunset walks

Lately

I do not feel like writing (or talking for that matter) at all. You can say I'm a very contemplative state of mind, just watching things unfold and trying to make sense out of them. I'll post a few pictures I took with my phone as I walked my dog.

Sometimes When it Rains

Just close your eyes & let the music take you away ;)

good ol' conversation

     I vented so much today. I met up with a dear cousin of mine who needed to talk as well and boy did we talked hahah I thank her and I thank God. Sometimes there are some things that don't matter if write them on a blog, on a notebook, etc they don't seem to go away, you don't see the exit nor the answer. Did me and my cousin found answers today? not quite, no. But I felt a little less lonely, a lot more real, like I wasn't losing it. There were no definite answers to our issues but my heart feels lighter and my shoulders feel less heavy. It's amazing what a good conversation can do for a person soul.

the song that keeps breaking my heart

"fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do"

Vida

                  ...Quiero alas!!

Evening Mode

Evening Mode, Jian Wu

hey life,

       ...take a chance on me ;) 

It's your birthday!

jessica.diamond@flickr

It's my mom's b-day today and I'm such an emotional mess right now hahah I just love her you know. She's all I have. My all. My love. The reason why I strive to be a better me everyday. It's really hard to put into words just how much she means to me. She's my all. My love. Mi mamilinda.

Beautiful People

"Don't let 'em bring you down, no! Your beauty is inside... you"

of the barking kind

     It looks like lately I haven't been talking as much as I have been barking. Today my sister called me out on me being brash and harsh with my words. She said to me that lately, every time I open my mouth something harsh and/ or hurtful comes out. I was frozen with surprise because I hadn't notice but is like once she said it the last couple of days played in my head and man she is so right! Now I feel like a douche because of all the people who have gotten the backlash of my words, I mean like wtf is wrong with me? I'm so hurt over this situation because I hurt my sister feeling's, and that makes me feel bad because I really didn't mean to. I allowed all the stuff that happening get to me and turn me into this 'thing' that just spits harsh word, just because I can.
     Ahhh this cut so deep. I've always desire to be one of those people who have the ability to convey love and kindness with their attitude and words. I have met some people like that, sometimes they don't have to be real close to you or to talk about what wrong with you but just the mere interaction with them leaves the lingering feeling of love, of someone that cares. Yet I seem to be the opposite of this; a person who stomps on others feeling without even realizing it. I really need to get a grip, to get my sh*t together. It seems like I really need God right now. I want to be a person whose demeanor exudes love for those around me.
      I haven't been able to apologize to my sis, and I'm thinking on what to say or do, to clear this up. I feel like sh*t because I do not want her to hurt because of me. I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!!!! I really am. I feel like crying but I don't want to cry because it does not solve anything. I want to apologize yet I don't see myself doing it because I'll likely choke on my tears trying to explain how sorry I am, and my sister being how she is ahhhh so frustrating (my sis & me well you see we are not good at expressing our feelings) so the way I see it things might turn into a sob fest or I might end up not saying anything and wallow in my misery some more because that's always fun.

Summer Berries :D

Nothing like raspberries in the summer, I mean they taste great all year long but the summer sun adds a like kick you know? hahah it's like you can taste it! So yummy I actually ate two pints before I even realize it, love them summer berries.

Stuck in Reverse

"...when you try your best but you don't succeed" 

      I'm so frustrated right now because I'm literally stuck in reverse no matter how hard I try or do my very best I can't seem to win or to catch a break. It's really getting to me to the point where is mining my self esteem, affecting my dreams and goals. It's making lose my hope and my faith. Because I can't comprehend it, I just can't. I'm giving my all, my very best. I try my hardest and yet the results are not showing. And no this not about a guy or nothing romantic, is about my life, about how I strive to be the best can be, give out by best and yet the outcome is not the best not even average. I'm so exhausted (which I've said like 100 already in previous post) but I really am. I don't know how much longer I can keep on "pressing on", I tell myself not be dismay and to not ever think about giving up but as of lately it sounds like what I need.

Las Caras de la Suerte II

"El temor mas grande de Enrique era que pudiera llegar a olvidar a su madre por completo. Ella había muerto cuando el tenia seis y eso había sido hacia tres años enteros. El revivía los recuerdos de ella una y otra vez hasta que estos parecían mas como una película vieja que algo real... Mas que nada Enrique extrañaba su aroma, una mezcla delicada de jazmín y sudor."

Cristina Garcia

(fragmento)

Caugh In The Rain

source: fromme-toyou@tumblr

...is where I long to be.

Chizu & Ryu: Ice Cream Heartbreak

And then

...it got really weird.

So, Tell me

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there 


Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me 

No es que muera de amor

Jaime Sabines

de que serviria (?)

Yo sé que no hay amores tan eternos
que el tiempo es un ritual que me destruye
que la distancia va matando sueños
y va cortando el hilo que nos une
Yo se que en esta guerra hay un te quiero
perdiendo su batalla ante el olvido
que la primavera es un infierno
cuando la soledad marca el camino


Pero si volviera se que nada cambiaria
pero si volviera todo se repetiría
Si pudiera hablarte ¿cuanto te diría?.
Porque si volvieras se que no comprenderías
que eras mi equipaje, que eras mi bandera
que no había mejor paisaje que tu cordillera
que eras el viaje a la ultima estrella
y como celaje fuiste borrando la huella
Si pudiera hablarte ¿de que serviría?.

Life is Wonderful Indeed

Today around sunset I stepped out to walk my dog and was just awestruck by the sunset today it was extremely pink with shades of purple and the sky reflected on the lake, it was just beautiful, sadly I didn't had my cellphone with me and couldn't take a picture but maybe that was better because I just stood there amazed by the sight the sky, some geese flying by, the lake, ducks idling in the water, the wind playing with the weeping willow branches, the light changing, the clouds changing like a moving canvas. And for a moment there I didn't felt sad, worried, stressed, not even melancholic I just felt at ease. Just happy to belong. 

Las Caras de la Suerte

"... Su padre le había advertido que en la vida diez mil personas intentarían decirle que hacer, le asegurarían  que ellos tenían la ultima palabra. Pero saber lo que uno realmente quiere, le aconsejo, basta con sentarse a solas en la oscuridad."

Cristina Garcia 

(fragmento)

El Hombre al Piano

Esta es la historia de un sábado, de no importa que mes... 

la la ra la la ra la la ra ...

La Breve y Maravillosa Vida de Oscar Wao

"...Las palabras que le salieron parecían pertenecer a otro, era en buen español, por primera vez. Les dijo que lo que hacian estaba mal, que borraban del mundo un gran amor. Que el amor era algo raro, fácilmente confundido con otro millón de cosas y si alguien sabia que eso era verdad, ese era el. Les hablo de Ybon y de la forma en que la amaba y cuanto habían arriesgado y que habían comenzado a soñar los mismo sueños y a decir las mismas palabras. Les dijo que era solo por ese amor que el había podido hacer lo que había hecho, lo que ellos ya no podían detener, les dijo que si lo mataban era probable que no sintieran nada y era probable que sus hijos no sintieran nada tampoco, que no lo sintieran hasta que fueran viejos y débiles o estuvieran a punto de ser atropellados por un carro, y entonces sentirían que el estaba esperando por ellos del otro lado y allá no seria ningún gordo, ningún comemierda, ningún chiquillo a quien ninguna muchacha jamas amo; allí seria un héroe, un vengador. Porque todo lo que uno puede sonar (subio la mano) lo puede ser."

                                                                                   Junot Diaz

                                                                                  (Fragmento)

ha!

"...Que perfume usas? Y riendo le dije:

                     -Ninguno, ninguno!

Te amo y soy joven, huelo a primavera"

                                              -Juana de Ibarbourou

Of losing hope

on days like today I wonder if putting on my "brave face" is really a good thing? I mean I don't wanna emo out on life but how am I not being a hypocrite? I'm exhausted of my "brave face", of keep my head above water, of holding out the hope that maybe just maybe a breakthrough is around the corner, of waiting for "little longer", and actually discover that I've been waiting for quite a long time and that the fact that better things are just around the corner might not be true at all.

Poetry

...is good for the soul
                               or so they say.

Amor

No, no has muerto, no.
Renaces,
con las rosas en cada primavera.
Como la vida, tienes
tus hojas secas; tienes tu nieve, como
la vida...
Mas tu tierra,
amor, está sembrada
de profundas promesas,
que han de cumplirse aún en el mismo
olvido.
¡En vano es que no quieras!
La brisa dulce torna, un día, al alma;
una noche de estrellas,
bajas, amor, a los sentidos,
casto como la vez primera.
¡Pues eres puro, eres
eterno! A tu presencia,
vuelven por el azul, en blanco bando,
blancas palomas que creíamos muertas...
Abres la sola flor con nuevas hojas...
Doras la inmortal luz con lenguas nuevas...
¡Eres eterno, amor,
como la primavera!


                 Juan Ramon Jimenez

Para que me quieras

Y para que me quieras te daré
Un año entero que te haré sólo de primaveras
y lo prenderé en tu pelo con un alfiler
y para que me quieras... te querré.

Hoy

...estoy por callar. 

Unfailing Love

Don't tear your clothing in your grief, but tear instead you hearts. Return to the Lord your God, for he is merciful & compassionate, slow to get angry & filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not to punish. 

                                                                                Joel 2.13

Walking In The Rain

Walking In The Rain, Tae Park 

Of loss

     We lost our granny today. I don't remember the last time my mom cry as much as she did today, neither I remember the last time I choke back so same tears. I don't dare to say anything to my mom. I want to tell her "It will be Ok", "Life goes on" or something like it but I don't dare. Because I simply have no means to understand her pain. And if I were in her place I would be offended if someone were to say such things. I guess that's the irony of it all. One loses a loved one, someone that means the world to us, someone who is our life, who is our world but life just goes on. People just say "I'm sorry" or that they feel our pain yet their life goes on, the same as yesterday and the day before that. But when the world becomes empty and obsolete, the last fucking thing you wanna hear is that life goes fucking on (even if indeed it does). I'm not making any sense that I know but right now I just hurt; for my mom and because I lost my granny today. I JUST HURT. 

What You Won't Do For Love

"only you made do for love what I would not do"

Sink or Swim (?)

     It's in my very nature to always, always swim never sink, never give up, to always keep striving forward even if it is at a snail pace, to never stop, to not accept defeat and keep on conquering whatever life throws at me. But lately I feel like I don't wanna swim anymore, I don't wanna fight anymore. I just want to let go and sink. Who knows maybe there's stillness, and calm at the bottom. Maybe peace of mind. In all honesty I'm exhausted. And letting go and sinking might not be so bad after all.

srce:weheartit.com 

Oh Heartbreak!

crdts: mangoscans

My heart is breaking for my Ryu but al least the cat is finally out of the bag. Oh my sweet Ryu is so heartbreakingly sad how he knew that Chizu has always looked at him as a friend and nothing. He was so calm and collected through it all yet he was speaking with his heart on his sleeve. I'm tempted to wanting to slap the beejesus out of Chizu so that she would react and come to realize how amazing my Ryu is but I understand where she is coming from. I'm so frustrated right now :-( I want my Ryu to be happy.

Unwritten

"...Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten.
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it..."

I Miss My Grandma

     On a day like today, in this very moment I would like to rest my head on my grandma's (my dad's mom) knees and tell her to pat my head. I just want to feel her hands brushing through hair and giving me this sense of calm that only she can give me. But 1. she lives over 3,000 miles away from me and 2. even of I were to be in front of her I would never say "grandma pat my head" o would I lay my head in her knees and if she were to take the initiative and try to do either or both I would freak the f out and wouldn't allow her. Why? because that just how I am. I don't feel comfortable with such displays of physical interactions. Even if it is what my soul longs for, in practice I would feel so uncomfortable that I wouldn't be able to bear it. 

     Yet I miss her, she has this thing to her that is so solemn. She barely ever raises her voice yet her strong character is reflected in her being, she is like a column to me a big, tall, beautiful column. Talking to her, seeing her brings me peace, it gives me a sense of ease. She who has been through a lot in her life has this quality to make storms seem like drizzle, she is so honest it hurts but she is never cruel. And she loves me so much it brings me to tears. Any who I miss her, I miss her, I miss her!. I even miss her hot chocolate that I always refused to drink, I miss how she smelled like vick's vapor rub in the evenings, and the smell of her morning tea.

My grams celebrating her bday in India, because that how she rolls :D 

My New Background ;)

credit to owner @tumblr

A Drawing of GD & TOP baby looks so freaking handsome :)
Thanks to whoever drew this. 

Let The Rain Come Dowm

Does this place exists? If so someone please tell me where. This is where I want to be right now sitting or maybe lying down on that bench feeling how little by little all the droplets hit my skin until I'm soaking wet. This is where I long to be in this quiet, secluded place, by myself, so that maybe just maybe I can put some order to my toughs and the rain can wash away all that's troubling me. Maybe in this place I'd feel free to cry a little, laugh a little, scream and even dance with nothing but the rain as my witness. 

"I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight"

S.Bareilles 

It's Raining

google.com/images 

I'm Not Ok

...pero no hay mal que dure mil años (ni cuerpo que lo resista). 

  somethings gotta give

Libertad del Alma

Yo quiero ser como las aves que no pueden atraparse ni alcanzarse.

Incubus LIve Sessions IV