It looks like lately I haven't been talking as much as I have been barking. Today my sister called me out on me being brash and harsh with my words. She said to me that lately, every time I open my mouth something harsh and/ or hurtful comes out. I was frozen with surprise because I hadn't notice but is like once she said it the last couple of days played in my head and man she is so right! Now I feel like a douche because of all the people who have gotten the backlash of my words, I mean like wtf is wrong with me? I'm so hurt over this situation because I hurt my sister feeling's, and that makes me feel bad because I really didn't mean to. I allowed all the stuff that happening get to me and turn me into this 'thing' that just spits harsh word, just because I can.
Ahhh this cut so deep. I've always desire to be one of those people who have the ability to convey love and kindness with their attitude and words. I have met some people like that, sometimes they don't have to be real close to you or to talk about what wrong with you but just the mere interaction with them leaves the lingering feeling of love, of someone that cares. Yet I seem to be the opposite of this; a person who stomps on others feeling without even realizing it. I really need to get a grip, to get my sh*t together. It seems like I really need God right now. I want to be a person whose demeanor exudes love for those around me.
I haven't been able to apologize to my sis, and I'm thinking on what to say or do, to clear this up. I feel like sh*t because I do not want her to hurt because of me. I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!!!! I really am. I feel like crying but I don't want to cry because it does not solve anything. I want to apologize yet I don't see myself doing it because I'll likely choke on my tears trying to explain how sorry I am, and my sister being how she is ahhhh so frustrating (my sis & me well you see we are not good at expressing our feelings) so the way I see it things might turn into a sob fest or I might end up not saying anything and wallow in my misery some more because that's always fun.
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