Hey jaded

I always end up asking myself this: Why so jaded? And I guess I have my reasons (a whole lot of them) but at the same time is not how I want to live my life, this life, this one chance. I know this and I tell myself this. That life is one, that this is all I (we) get that I should be more joyous, more embracing... I really want to be the kind of person who marvels at life, at the things it has to offer. I want to be the kind of person who sees wonder everywhere and who embraces love and life head on. To live with my heart on my sleeve. But that's not who I am... I mean don't get me wrong I don't go around moping through life and perenially but I always have my armor on, and the walls that surround me are really tall and thick. Due to the cards life has played me I have hid my heart and my bewilderment behind really tall and thick walls and people who have threathened this safety in the slightest have been pushed away. I've willingly and knowingly close my heart to love more than once, even to friendship because  was not willing to take risks. I look back and I don't want to keep doing this anymore. I want to embrace life like I've never been hurt before.