Yesterday

    Someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years" and I went blank like completely blank. The first thing that popped to my head after a rather long period of blankness was "alive (?) and happy (?)" I was able to deflect the question and actually gave a decent answer, yes decent but not sincere. This let me to actually think about this and I realize I have no short term, mid-term, or long-term goals set for my life. I'm just like rolling with the punches (no wonder things I want never materialize).

   It was very heartbreaking for me to realize that I have no goals, no dreams, no nothing for me in the future other than being alive and happy. Me the girl who used to have the big dreams and set goals, suddenly has none (besides getting my B.A in Psychology). It like yes I'm studying psychology yet I don't know if I'm interested in clinical psychology or others areas, I don't know what I'm going to do after I get my Bachelor will I actually live of my psychology knowledge? Will I further my education until I have a PhD and I'm able to have my own practice and what not? Will I be able to? Would I want to?
   I'm not sure when I became the person with no goals and no dreams. No dreams, that sounds so sad. I know for sure it's not who I want to be. Because if one does not have dreams what does one have, you know? They say thats why dreaming is free. Because dreams give people courage to go after them. But not only I do not have any dreams I also don't know what I want. I don't. I never thought I'd be in my twenties without knowing what I want from life. I used to be so sure , so assertive of what I wanted out of life and how I was going to get it. I saw myself going places...I always thought that by the time I was the age I am now I was going to be working in my masters. But no life happen and I'm still a year away from getting my bachelors.
   So I guess what I'm saying is I'm going to work hard(er) on my dreams, I'm going to find them wherever they are, and whatever they might be and then I will love and cherish them. This time around I will not care how silly and unattainable they might be and I will not put myself down whenever they look faraway and impossible. Little by little, day by day, step by step I will make them mine. I know that to do this I have to change my mind, renew it because I am afraid of dreaming, of the things I want out of life, afraid of never getting them, afraid figuring out my dreams and goals and then not having the courage to go after them. I feel like this is stuff a high schooler should be writing/ living I feel kind of dejected being twenty-two and just now starting to figure this stuff out.

"Dream big, that way even if it shatters you have a big piece left."

Song Chang-Iu