As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun—
My dream.

And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—
The wall.

Shadow.
I am black.

I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.

My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Langston Hughes 

Random list

• I want need mint colored vans 
• I'm still obsessed with the International Klein Blue. 
• I've been listening to two song on loop, on replay for the past 3 days (Miguel's do you... & Adorn) and I'm not even close to feeling tired of them. 
• I forgot I had a Neuro-Linguistic final today (I remembered exactly 1 hour before class). 
• I also managed to get my days mixed up and thought I had a week to write my Physiological Psy final project but no not really I have less than 12 hours before project is due. 
• Instead of being fire up about meeting these due dates I just feel like I wanna curl into a ball, listen to music and not face reality. 
• I hurt my neck yet again, due to stress. 
• I need to do laundry.
• My room is a mess. 
• I should really really stop buying clothes.
• I want need a white dress for new year's (something sultry yet classy).

"Change is the only constant" --Lucretius

Memoriando

Diego Torres - Tratar De Estar Mejor 

Mi diego favorito, con su pelo largo, con voz hermosa y siempre lleno de buena vibra. (no se si es tanto mi Diego favorito como mi yo favorito, aquella, la de entonces que amaba a su Diego de pelo largo).

Recuerdo que tu me decías: “entonces te guta el tal Diego mas que yo” —Y yo me reía y decía que si y tu te reías tambien. Porque sabias tan bien como yo que no era verdad. Sabias que yo te quería mas que a Diego y mas que a nadie. 

“…a pesar de todo algunas cosas quedan, los momentos vividos recuerdos que van a quedar, en lo profundo del alma. NADA PUEDE HACERTE OLVIDAR QUE ANDUVIMOS EL MISMO CAMINO.” 

On To The Next (?)

Some things run their course and is like you can feel it. The lack of continuation, like something must change for this "thing" to keep going. And when that time arrives there's nothing we can do but to close the cycle, the étage and move on to the next chapter...

Feels So Good

Feels So Good - Chuck Mangione

It's My Birthday!

Image from google 

Most of The Times

 I suck so much at conveying feelings (my feelings). 

Fields of Gold by Sting

Fields of Gold by Sting 

Will you stay with me, will you be my love

Among the fields of barley

We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky

As we lie in the fields of gold

Hey jaded

I always end up asking myself this: Why so jaded? And I guess I have my reasons (a whole lot of them) but at the same time is not how I want to live my life, this life, this one chance. I know this and I tell myself this. That life is one, that this is all I (we) get that I should be more joyous, more embracing... I really want to be the kind of person who marvels at life, at the things it has to offer. I want to be the kind of person who sees wonder everywhere and who embraces love and life head on. To live with my heart on my sleeve. But that's not who I am... I mean don't get me wrong I don't go around moping through life and perenially but I always have my armor on, and the walls that surround me are really tall and thick. Due to the cards life has played me I have hid my heart and my bewilderment behind really tall and thick walls and people who have threathened this safety in the slightest have been pushed away. I've willingly and knowingly close my heart to love more than once, even to friendship because  was not willing to take risks. I look back and I don't want to keep doing this anymore. I want to embrace life like I've never been hurt before.

Hui Wei

"Imagino el dia en que me elevaré por el cielo de la ciudad estallando en un espléndido ramillete pirotecnico" 

I don't know

I really don't.

Sleepless II

My problem is my dreams...

Sleepless

My insomnia has kick in big time is going to be almost two weeks of me getting no sleep or very bad sleep. Needless to say the lack of sleep has got me in a crappy mood! And I also have no energy, even my daily half hour walk feels like torture (like I'm doing so crazy high impact workout). I've tried some old tricks to get back on the sleeping train but NOTHING has work so far. I don't know if I can take another week of this, my body is seriously giving out and my mind won't shut down she just won't. I'm at my wits ends.

When will I soar?

I always find myself thinking about these things:

• When will I fly?
• When will I soar?
• When will I be free?
• Why can I be free?

Is like a vicious circle. And sometimes is just too much and I get overwhelmed of having all these thoughts just running through my head as they please! Why can I be free?

Vamos Saliendo

El hombre dijo sí sin que supiera

determinar de lo que se trataba,

y fue llevado, y fue sobrellevado,

y nunca más salió de su envoltorio,

y es así: nos vamos cayendo

dentro del pozo de los otros seres

y un hilo viene y nos envuelve el cuello

y otro nos busca el pie y ya no se puede,

ya no se puede andar sino en el pozo:

nadie nos saca de los otros hombres.

Parece que no sabemos hablar,

parece que hay palabras que huyen,

que no están, que se fueron y nos dejaron

a nosotros con trampas y con hilos.

Y de pronto ya está, ya no sabemos

de qué se trata pero estamos dentro

y ya no volveremos a mirar

como cuando jugábamos de niños,

ya se nos terminaron estos ojos,

ya nuestras manos salen de otros brazos.

Por eso cuando duermes sueñas solo

y corres libre por las galerías

de un solo sueño que te pertenece,

y que no vengan a robarnos sueños,

que no nos enreden en la cama.

Guardémonos la sombra

a ver si desde nuestra oscuridad

salimos y tanteamos las paredes,

acechamos la luz para cazarla

y de una vez por todas

nos pertenece el sol de cada día.

                     --Pablo Neruda 

Adore by Prince

Adore by Prince

Until the end of time I'll be there for you, you own my heart and mind I truly adore you. If God one day stroke me blind Your beauty I'd still see. Love is too weak to define just what you mean to me... 

...

Aunque Tu y Yo Nunca.

Tu y Yo Siempre.

Can't Win Them All

I feel really defeated because I was not able to conquer this matter. I screw up yet again. Bleh

Use Somebody

Kings of Leon - Use Somebody 


I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

Lucinda

So Today I drew Lucinda. Nope she didn't came from my imagination, she is 

based on a picture but it looks different enough to her own self hahaha. I'm just

happy that I actually drew something.

Late-night musings

Volcano

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask what I give to you
Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed

Volverte a ver

I'm not writing

...because I've thinking a lot lately about life, and dreams and things. I've been in my head a lot, thinking a lot, contemplating, pondering...

Oui!

JE VOIS LA VIE EN ROSE...! ;)

One of those nights

In which I can't fall sleep. Mostly because my head is not a happy place, my heart is not calm, and I go from nagging myself for being so stupid, to wanting to hit myself upside the head. To see if this time the pain makes me not trip with the same fucking stone. I'm just so dissapointed in myself, so aggravated  with myself that I could just crash myself head on into a wall. I want to cry but I can't, I wan't to feel sorry for myself but I can't. I wan't to tell myself that this is not the end to "hang in there" but I can't. I just can't deal with myself right. It just bothers me to see my stupid face looking back at me. This time I really don't know what to do. I want to tell myself to dust it off and try again but that's what I've been doing and I seem to be walking in fucking circles. I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted I can't even close my eyes.

Saudade*

   I keep having this dream over and over. Is like the same dream but different. It all starts with me in a room with lots of people that I "know" or used to know (people from the past) and then my "friend" M is there and he always comes to me and we chat like we used to do when we were friends back in the day. Then things go awry and he always ends up doing something in the water, he always goes for a swim sometimes is a pool, sometimes is a lake and sometimes is just a hole with water. And each and every single time by the end of the dream he ends up drowning as I just stand there and watch him drown again and again. I've had this dream over five times in the last few months. The setting might change but at the end the outcome is always the same: he drowns and I just watch him. Like I don't move at all. I just stand there! Needles to say this freaks me out! Every time I have these dreams I get this uneasy feeling on my chest that I can't seem to shake off and then spent days just thinking about this friend and how he keeps drowning in front of me.
   Well today the dream went a little different: as I arrive to the house of yet another friend from the past, as I walked in (which I was reluctant to do and my sister had to make me go in) I noticed the backyard and pool were full of acquaintances from the past. I felt an urge, a need to hide, to go, to dash the place. I did not want to be among these people. As I started to walk away my friend M held me by the hand (as a mean to stop me) and smile at me, with this frank and honest smile that I haven't seen in his face since our first year of high school, as he did this I suddenly felt at ease and wanted to stay and just hang out with him. He then led me to the pool (while still holding my hand) and started to splash me with water as I complained about my hair, my clothes, etc... I just kept looking at his smile and how his hand was holding my hand; I can't find a word to explain my feelings accurately I felt such joy, such bliss; And at that very moment I started to drift into consciousness and I remember I woke up thinking: "God, don't let this be a dream" (matter of fact I think I said this as I woke up). When I opened my eyes completely and my mind realized that it was indeed a dream I felt such dissapointment and sadness and melancholy, saudade is you may, yes saudade was exactly what I felt.
   All day this feeling stuck with me, I wanted to call him, to ask him how he's doing, to ask him if he still dreams of moving to Japan, to ask him if we still have dreams in common, to ask him if life has been kind to him, if he has friend, real friends that got his back, to ask him if he remembers me as a good friend, as a real friend. But I couldn't because first of all I'm a chicken/ coward and because he lives in another country thousands of miles away, because I don't have his number. And because as much as I miss him I keep thinking of the last days(years) we spent as "friends" how unkind he was, how unfair and how I shed bitter tears because he my friend whom I cherished so much didn't stick by my side when I needed him the most. And I'm back at one, worrying about him, missing him but not reaching out to him. I hope that these dreams of mine are just my sub-concious playing games on me and have nothing ominous to them. M, I with all my heart wish that you are happy with the life you chose, I really do. Even if I write these "to the wind" instead of confronting you. I really wish you happiness wherever you are mi amigo.

sincerely, 

tu amiga Nia

Je ne regrette rien!

...I really don't.

Old habits die hard

"...voy a guardar la angustia en un escondite y luego a tenderme la cara al techo que es una posición gallarda y cómoda para filtrar noticias y creerlas..." --Benedetti

 Hoy tropezé de nuevo, me di de frente con la misma "pared", esmas yo fui y me lanzé con todo hacia dicha pared! Pero no desmayo, me siento mal, si pero no quiero ni puedo permitir que esto me detenga. Yo sigo hacia adelante. Esta vez no hay "pitty party" para mi. Solo espero que no haya una proxima vez. No hay mucho que decir solo que no me rindo.

Abril Otra Vez!

....para que no tengamos soledad!. ;)

The Little Things

Memento of ours

Fue amor

"Este clima, esta brisa, esta paz en la sombra ya los he vivido antes. 
Dias como el de hoy me recuerdan a los dias contigo, los dias de nosotros.Ese tiempo tan fugaz tan bello tan intenso tan a full. Cierro los ojos y te respiro, tu olor en la brisa tus ojos en la brisa tu sonrisa en la brisa tu amor en la brisa. Todo tu en la brisa. Es este dia nuevo en verdad? o es uno de nuestros dias que ha vuelto y nos ha encontrado asi, tan lejos, pero siempre nosotros."

Nia T.

Yes yes yes!!

I got my driver's license! xD

And I look mad good in the picture! (double win!)
BOOM SHAKA LAKA!! 

Smiiiiiile!

@Enakei

My train of thought

   My insomnia is back! And in full force is like no matter how tired (exhausted even) I am, I can't fall sleep is like my brain won't shut down. So last night while "enjoying" my insomnia I made a list of things that brain thought were more important than sleeping:

• Highlander (our goldfish) is really sick.
• I need to buy more chocolate almond milk. 
• How many calories did I eat today? I ate 2 cookies did I overeat?.
• I really hope I can the "right shoes" for my skinny black jeans.
• I have a psychology presentation in 2 weeks. 
• 2012 is the year of the dragon. 
• Omg! Is almost summer.
• Should I buy a dress for graduation. 
• I could really really go for a run right now. 
• I started thinking about some research I've been doing for my Psychology classes and how they could have been better, or how I'd have felt if I participated and what not.
• I really hope Heejun does good next week. 
• I really need to buy and umbrella (a red one). 
• When can I go to B&N to buy those Moleskin sketchbooks.
• Where can I buy good quality watercolors. 
• Did I order those notebooks from Muji or not? 
• When will my Bigbang mini album arrive? Will it come with a poster? Should I order it through iTunes in the meanwhile?
• I really like TOP's headphones for Soul by Luda... but they are green. 
• Should I watch a movie? 
• Where's my black nail polish. 
• Omg! Omg! Omg! I'm taking my driving test on wednesday what if I fail!?!? 
• I really don't want to fail my driving test. 
• Why didn't I vote for that Flo-rida song for grad, can't even remember my vote. 
• Should I dye my hair? 
• I really want to get new vans in cyan, so they match TOP's hair. 
• What should I do for summer break?
• Ahhhg I really don't like working on sundays. 
• Can't wait to go back to yoga. 
• My wisdom tooth is really driving me crazy!!! 
• Brain, shut up and go to sleep! 

 And etc, etc... Is like a vicious circle in which I think in the most unimportant and mundane things but yet my brain feels like he needs to be thinking of them... *sigh*

Today

Was one of those weird days when I knew exactly what I wanted (out of life), where I felt like "everything made sense", that I made sense, that my life made sense. That the path I've chosen was indeed my path for a moment I didn't feel inadequate. I felt like I really could do this thing (psychology), like I really could effect a change in someone, in the world. Is because of this feeling that doesn't last that I've endure (and still do) all the days that don't make sense in which I question my life choices (and career path) and yes it vanishes but the effect lingers long enough for me to just keep on walking on this path, on this journey.

Somewhere over the rainbow

"...the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true."

  I'm not dreaming my dream(s), granted I am not by any means over the rainbow, but Dorothy had dreams even in sepia-toned Kansas. I in the other hand do not. And it's really cutting me down to size. As of now I'm not sure if I don't dare to dream or I just simply can't. I really don't know where they went or when exactly I stopped cherishing them. Sometimes is like I want to dream but I don't even know what to dream. I mean what can I dream? My previous ones slowly turned to nightmares. 

  Please often say to "dream big because dreaming is free", this message is everywhere in movies, in tv shows: them people dreaming dreams, people going after their dreams, people living the dream. And it makes me wonder: why can't I? also dare to dream. I really do want to believe in my dreams and hold them tight but I think life has made me a bit of a cynic. I see much to often people living my dreams, people who didn't even wanted this "things", these events happening in their life, people who were just going through life doing their thing are living my dreams, I see them just coasting through life like life is a fun free ride. And that makes me wonder why? why? and I'm not going to lie it might have made me a little bitter. 

  Dreaming is not free, dreaming cost a lot; when your dream comes crashing down in flames is like some part of you dies with them, like even if you move on and get new ones, is not the same. I guess I've failed the part of dreaming new dreams. Some part of me has this fire inside this complete conviction in dreaming and going for it, and the other part of me really doesn't care. After all what is dreaming? What good can come from it? Ugh! I got so much division in my heart. 

"If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?"

La Espera

PENSANDO QUE EN CUALQUIER MOMENTO 
ELLA LLEGARÍA 
CONSULTABA SU RELOJ Y SONREÍA 
SE FUE BORRANDO LENTAMENTE EL SOL EN EL SENDERO 
Y ENVEJECIÓ PENSANDO EN ELLA 
JUNTO AL FUEGO

Sunny Rain

Sunny Rain by Leonid Afremov

No Words

*Sigh Sigh*

I'm grounded, got my wings clipped & I'm surrounded by all this pavement.

When will I fly when will I soar?!?

To be or not to be

--THAT is the question.

Looking at things from where I'm at

CubaGallery@flickr 

Today is

  One of those days when I can actually feel my sanity slipping away from me... I feel troubled, anxious and borderline sad yet I can't pinpoint why. I guess this is what happens when you avoid confronting your feels for long enough...now I can't I just can't verbalize nor figure out what on earth is wrong with me!?!? Like out of all the things that I have going on (and going wrong) in my life exactly which one has got me in this deplorable state of being, where I'm not at all.

For my Friends :)

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

[I really do hope with all my heart that my friends know that they can count on me]

Today

I miss my friends so so much that it hurts. I long for them so much that I feel there's a hollow space inside of my chest. I feel like having coffee with them or a frozen yogurt. I miss their faces, to have them at arms reach. 

"...A loving friend can stick closer than family."

Prov 18:24 

Es Real

"Aqui te amo..."
                     -P. Neruda

Stale Words

   For some reason that escapes me, today, right now I feel like talking about the past (what a surprise!) I have all these words in my head, in my mind ready to come out. Words, feeling, things that I should have said 5 years ago, 6 years ago, well years ago. But I didn't, I ate them up, I store them for later because I honestly thought I could say them anytime I wanted, little did I know that words and feelings have a very short expiration date and that we need to say what we feel when we have the need to say them otherwise they "go bad".

   And I have been holding so much, for so long...I have beat myself up again and again, I've cried and I've drank to forget those words, those feelings that I never had the courage to say, to admit them. I feared that my words would enable change, I thought, no I was convinced that if I didn't talk about it or thought about it than it wasn't real and then things would not change and things would have remain the same. 

   I knew so little about life, so naive I was that I thought I could stop change from happening, change! the only constants in one's life is change: things, feelings, places, the weather, relationships, people they all change. And I know now, I know very well now that I can't say them to either of you. I understand that it will be futile because my words now lack context, validity, meaning and purpose. Because you are not who you use to be, I'm not who I was, and above all we are not who we were. 

I've been Struck!

...by a very deep and dense melancholy. 

Masquerade

              We're lost inside this lonely game we play ♫ ♪

"The Most Depressing Day of the Year"

   My cousin told me that yesterday was the most depressing day of the year and when I baffled ask why, she told me that yesterday was the 3rd week of the new year and by now most people who had resolutions, goals, etc for the new year and didn't keep them, broke them or never even started them are beginning to acknowledge the fact that the failed yet again. As I heard all this I couldn't help but to feel dumbfounded and a bit mad.

   I mean yes I understand the disappointment that comes with being unable to stick by our words, I know exactly how it feels to see how that you which to achieve so much slips away like water through your fingers, just because you were unable to commit to something or to change your old patterns. I know exactly how it feels, trust me. 

   Even thought it feels (at least to me) as if new years was "ages ago", today is only the 17th day of 366 days (at least it was when I wrote this) that lies ahead of us. What do I mean?! We have the whole year ahead of us. Did you broke your new year's resolution already? So what? Big deal! get your stuff together  and try again; this time more determined and with the knowlegde and experience of knowing that defeat is not and option, you've been there and it wasn't a pretty place to be in.

   So dust it off and start again. No one said it will be easy, you knew it would not be easy (if so you would have conquered "this" ages ago). Even if it were august or september you're still not late. We must not forget that everyday is a new day, we get a fresh start, a clean slate every day!. Let's not forget that old patterns are hard to break is ok to struggle, but let's not dwell on the disappointments, on the let downs, if your goal was to walk 5 days a week and only made it to 3 rejoice is way more than what you did last year. Just make sure you are trying. A war is won by first winning the small battles. So let's make sure to keep our eyes on the goal it doesn't matter if we deviate a little as long as we keep on moving towards the goal, we'll be fine. 

My new wallpaper :)

     It's been so long since I saw Tiziano smile :) ... 

    "Ti voglio bene assai" 

C'est la vie!

   Today I wrote a lot about not giving up and about not losing hope even if the new years resolutions are not been worked on. I was so hopeful, fill with drive and faith, and all that good stuff. Then things went awry and my day ended on the lowest note I broke not only a resolution but a promise, I made the same mistake for the Nth time in my life and for the first time this year *sigh sigh sigh* so I couldn't help but to have a pity party for myself, which is breaking yet another resolution of mine for 2012. I truly feel awful.
   But I promise myself that this year it was going to be the year in which I'd not let myself down, that no mattered what happens I shan't lose faith in myself. So I'm going to keep my head high, my eyes on what lies ahead and my hands holding tight to my dreams. Yes today was an awful day mostly because I was annoyed and mad at myself and worst thing of not being in peace with oneself is that we can't scape ourselves anywhere we go or anywhere he hide, we are there. So today slowly but surely I forgive myself, I accept and understand that I'm human and that I'm going to indeed make mistakes but I won't forget how bad I've been feeling all day, how betrayed I felt by my own self. I choose not to forget so that I don't revisit this place and these feelings. "It's ok, it's ok, it's ok."
   So today it wasn't "my day" but tomorrow I shall conquer! Thank God for his mercy and for making each day new. It doesn't matter what you did yesterday or today tomorrow is a brand new day, brand new, a clean slate in which we can write a new chapter. Here's to hoping the new chapters won't include old mistakes.

Life; Love

Take a chance on me ;)

Twenty-twelve

srce:google.com/images--design by Aimee Creation@Etsy

   ABOUT 2012 this is my year, the year in which I get to see the fruit of my labor, where a lot of things come to a full circle. I understand the pitfalls of saying "a new year a new me" and that is not my mind set at all. I know very well that the me from 11:59pm is the same from 12:01am, but I know so much more that I knew last year. And my mind set is definitely different than the one I had last year. This year I know and I declare that is my year, a year in which I shall exercise what Viktor Frankl calls "the last freedom of the human being" and that is my freedom to choose my attitude towards the good, the bad and the ugly that this year brings. 

  My mind is set to make this year different from the previous ones all year long I will be grateful for everything, I read somewhere that if you are not making mistakes than you are not taking chances, for that this year my mind is set to make a lot of mistakes, to take a lot chances, to step on new grounds, socially and emotionally, to come out of my shell a bit more, TO BE a lot more. I know the time will come when my resolution might feel shaken and where I might not feel as keen as I am now to take chances and to put up with the scars. But I will try with all my might to keep my mind focus and my heart set in my pursuit of being all I can be. 

   Last but not lead my new years resolutions: 

• To give myself a chance 
• To love myself more therefore loving others more 
• To "just keep swimming"no matter how hard it gets
• To be more disciplined 
• To persevere 

"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."

-Henry David Thoreau