Neon

She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away

Yesterday

    Someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years" and I went blank like completely blank. The first thing that popped to my head after a rather long period of blankness was "alive (?) and happy (?)" I was able to deflect the question and actually gave a decent answer, yes decent but not sincere. This let me to actually think about this and I realize I have no short term, mid-term, or long-term goals set for my life. I'm just like rolling with the punches (no wonder things I want never materialize).

   It was very heartbreaking for me to realize that I have no goals, no dreams, no nothing for me in the future other than being alive and happy. Me the girl who used to have the big dreams and set goals, suddenly has none (besides getting my B.A in Psychology). It like yes I'm studying psychology yet I don't know if I'm interested in clinical psychology or others areas, I don't know what I'm going to do after I get my Bachelor will I actually live of my psychology knowledge? Will I further my education until I have a PhD and I'm able to have my own practice and what not? Will I be able to? Would I want to?
   I'm not sure when I became the person with no goals and no dreams. No dreams, that sounds so sad. I know for sure it's not who I want to be. Because if one does not have dreams what does one have, you know? They say thats why dreaming is free. Because dreams give people courage to go after them. But not only I do not have any dreams I also don't know what I want. I don't. I never thought I'd be in my twenties without knowing what I want from life. I used to be so sure , so assertive of what I wanted out of life and how I was going to get it. I saw myself going places...I always thought that by the time I was the age I am now I was going to be working in my masters. But no life happen and I'm still a year away from getting my bachelors.
   So I guess what I'm saying is I'm going to work hard(er) on my dreams, I'm going to find them wherever they are, and whatever they might be and then I will love and cherish them. This time around I will not care how silly and unattainable they might be and I will not put myself down whenever they look faraway and impossible. Little by little, day by day, step by step I will make them mine. I know that to do this I have to change my mind, renew it because I am afraid of dreaming, of the things I want out of life, afraid of never getting them, afraid figuring out my dreams and goals and then not having the courage to go after them. I feel like this is stuff a high schooler should be writing/ living I feel kind of dejected being twenty-two and just now starting to figure this stuff out.

"Dream big, that way even if it shatters you have a big piece left."

Song Chang-Iu

Le sight*

I had a job interview today and I have no idea how it went... they said they will let me know either tonight or tomorrow.

Things I'm considering

• Giving up dairy. 
• Giving up meat. 
• Eat more fish.
• Procrastinate less 
• Read more books about psychology 
• Moving to Toronto 
• Getting my driver license by early next month.
• Start doing some kind of sport. 

Today

   I'm walking down memory lane. And it's quite an odd place to be...

I'm surprised at the things that hurt me still and even more perplexed at the things that today do not hurt in the slightest.

"...suave,sereno."

Promises, Promises

I'm only twenty-three for
Another hour, give or take,
I'm a fan of yours
And I need a good mistake

I'm not a sinner, a preacher
All I have is slight of hand
I do magic tricks for
All the boys in the band

Baby could I be
The rabbit in your hat?
I'd swing if you'd hand me..
Hand me the bat

I'm on the road of least resistance
I'd rather give up than give into this
So promise me only one thing, would you?
Just don't ever make me promises..
No promises, no promises

I've never done this before
Promises, promises,
I'm enjoying the illusion
And the things my body says

Now you see me, now you don't
Oh, how well you disappear
What are you running from
And may I interfere?

Baby could I be
The rabbit in your hat?
I'd swing if you'd hand me..
Hand me the bat

I'm on the road of least resistance
I'd rather give up than give into this
So promise me only one thing, would you?
Just don't ever make me promises..
No promises, no promises 

Someday

...when we meet which I'm sure we will. All that was there will be there still, I'll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that I've moved on.... 

I don't know

...This could break my heart or save me.

There will be no white flag

I won't put my hands down and surrender.

Yesterday

    Yesterday I really really need it a shoulder to lean on, literally. I got less than 3 hours of rather mediocre sleep before having to wake up. I felt as heavy as an elephant, my feet, my head, my life! Yet after coffee and breakfast I felt better. After a very busy morning and afternoon around 5pm I was done and my head felt even heavier than before and something was pounding at my temples.

    But I still had to babysit my nephew until 11pm and he was so hyper today. As the hours unraveled all I wanted was a shoulder to lean on, someone that understood how I felt and quietly would just lead my head to its shoulders and than pat me very gently, and without words I of course would understand that is ok to close my eyes and that someone understood how heavy my whole being felt.  

The promise

Jason: “I wasn’t going to say anything because I’m embarrassed and it hurts my ego, but…why aren’t you keeping your promise?”

Pil-sook: Promise? Oh…the 200-day proposal. You know, it was really hard for me to lose weight. I couldn’t eat or drink what I wanted. I nearly died and came back to life. And then when I thought about it…about doing all that because of you…it felt like a waste. I wonder if I did all that for someone who has no dreams, no goals. So, I gave it up.

source:dramabeans.com

Karaoke Time ♫

Do what you feel now, electric feel now♩

Red Umbrella

Red Umbrella by Leonid Afremov 

Atelphobia

The fear of never being good enough.

:)

          Thanks GoD for friends.

Today

   It has been one of those days where I can't seem to win. And everything fails and nothing makes much sense. I'm a little tired, a little sad, a little blue and very melancholic. Even if I try no to my mind keeps wandering to things and people that in the past. Even thought I wholeheartedly set them free and let them go, my hands seem to be forming a fist, as in holding tightly to all that. Everything comes back to me and everything hurts the memories: the thing I said and did but most of all what I did not say nor do.
    I'm just grateful that tomorrow is another day, another chance and we'll see how it goes. One day at a time.

"Today I am sad but soon I'll be singing & 

I promise I will not remember the past anymore"

Los Enigmas

 Me habéis preguntado qué hila el crustáceo 

entre sus patas de oro

y os respondo: El mar lo sabe.

Me decís ¿qué espera la ascidia en su campana transparente?
¿Qué espera? Yo os digo: espera como vosotros el tiempo.

Me preguntáis ¿a quién alcanza el abrazo del alga Macrocustis?
Indagadlo, indagadlo a cierta hora, en cierto mar que conozco.

Sin duda me preguntaréis por el marfil maldito del narval,
para que yo os conteste
de qué modo el unicornio marino agoniza arponeado.

¿Me preguntáis tal vez por las plumas alcionarias que tiemblan
en los puros orígenes de la marea austral
Y sobre la construcción cristalina del pólipo habéis barajado
sin duda, una pregunta más, desgranándola ahora? 

¿Queréis saber sobre la eléctrica materia de las púas del fondo?
¿La armada estalactita que camina quebrándose, 
El anzuelo del pez pescador,
la música extendida en la profundidad como un hilo en el agua?

Yo os quiero decir que esto lo sabe el mar,
que la vida en sus arcas
es ancha como la arena, innumerable y pura
y entre las uvas sanguinarias
el tiempo ha pulido la dureza de un pétalo,
la luz de la medusa
y ha desgranado el ramo de sus hebras corales
desde una cornucopia de nácar infinito.

Yo no soy sino la red vacía que adelanta ojos humanos,
muertos en aquellas tinieblas,
dedos acostumbrados al triángulo,
medidas de un tímido hemisferio de naranja.

Anduve como vosotros escarbando
la estrella interminable,
y en mi red, en la noche, me desperté desnudo,
la única presa:un pez encerrado en el viento. 

Pablo Neruda

                     Canto General

Don't you remember

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again? 

   this ought to be my favorite song from her, I mean I pretty much love all of her but this one gets relevant and personal and gets to me on so many levels. 

Today

  My head is a mess today, but in a good way. I think....I mean I don't know (yup is that bad hahah). I wish I could explain myself better but I can't is one of those rare occasions where things in order to be understood need to told and see and feel the body language of the person talking. Ahhg that's the problem with writing when trying to convey such strong emotions one is never sure if the feelings are been convey. So much stuff happen in so little time that my brain has not had the chance to process it, while my heart so engage it and live it  (& felt it) 110%. I feel like I'm not myself is not like me to just let my heart gear me but just this once I feel he's not in the wrong at all.
  I guess the waiting for tomorrow to start start living has gotten a little old for me, recently when face with new challenges and new things I've have asked myself: "if not now, when?" and wow, I'm marveled at how a little change in my mind set has made such a huge change in life. And my brain is working overtime trying to rationalize the currents events and is actually making me second guess myself so much to the point where is not even 9:00 pm and I'm already exhausted from over thinking. I'm not quite sure where this is going or what I'll do but I do know that I don't what to fall prey of fear.

Julian Casablancas ♥

Random Julian post just because I love him & I have been listening to the strokes all freaking day.

  

All images are from google.

Balada del Recuerdo

Llueve una lluvia fácil... negligente.
Casi sin desazón. Casi sin ruido...
Y en un sitio del alma... en el olvido
los recuerdos me asaltan de repente.

Recuerdo cosas... cosas... todavía
como si todavía las viviera.
(Aquel amor que tanto me mintiera
acaso sin saber que me mentía).

Una ciudad tan buena como el trigo
surge de pronto en tierras desiguales.
Un calendario pulcro... sin señales.
(Voy por las calles de anteayer contigo).
Nuestras miradas con amor -sin dudas-
redescubrían cosas evidentes:
la tierra con sus árboles, las gentes,
nuestras manos vacías y desnudas.

La lluvia por las calles recorría
con el sol enredado en sus cristales.
-Noble ciudad de agudas catedrales
(Me cuentan que allí vives todavía).

Todo nos separaba y nos unía.
Un gesto, una canción, una mirada.
El amor era todo... y era nada...
y era eterno no más porque moría.

Y nadie puede sepultar sus muertos
tan verdaderamente sepultados
que no puedan volver, si recordados,
a los brazos amantes y desiertos.

Las horas no se pueden devolver
ni lo que en ellas fue pasión o grito.
(Aquí todo es igual porque está escrito
y ya no es cierto porque está en ayer).

Aquí todo es igual. Nada envejece
al margen de las horas sin fortuna.
El mismo grillo con la misma luna...
y todo como estaba permanece.

Y como en los recuerdos no varía,
el viento lleva aún sobre sus hombros
de aquella nube grande los escombros.
(Y nunca acaba de pasar el día).

Nuestros rostros se miran a través
de la lluvia o la luz recién nacida.
Aquí la muerte pasa inadvertida
bajo el verde implacable del ciprés.

Los rostros de este sitio no regresan
jamás al ejercicio cotidiano.
(Aquí mi mano vive entre tu mano.
Aquí los corazones no nos pesan).

Eres. Soy. Cuánta soledad en torno.
Aún vivo y vives. Sorprendente llama.
Viajamos bajo el sol. Sobre la grama.
(Aquí en el calendario no hay retorno).

         Carmelina Soto