Saudade*

   I keep having this dream over and over. Is like the same dream but different. It all starts with me in a room with lots of people that I "know" or used to know (people from the past) and then my "friend" M is there and he always comes to me and we chat like we used to do when we were friends back in the day. Then things go awry and he always ends up doing something in the water, he always goes for a swim sometimes is a pool, sometimes is a lake and sometimes is just a hole with water. And each and every single time by the end of the dream he ends up drowning as I just stand there and watch him drown again and again. I've had this dream over five times in the last few months. The setting might change but at the end the outcome is always the same: he drowns and I just watch him. Like I don't move at all. I just stand there! Needles to say this freaks me out! Every time I have these dreams I get this uneasy feeling on my chest that I can't seem to shake off and then spent days just thinking about this friend and how he keeps drowning in front of me.
   Well today the dream went a little different: as I arrive to the house of yet another friend from the past, as I walked in (which I was reluctant to do and my sister had to make me go in) I noticed the backyard and pool were full of acquaintances from the past. I felt an urge, a need to hide, to go, to dash the place. I did not want to be among these people. As I started to walk away my friend M held me by the hand (as a mean to stop me) and smile at me, with this frank and honest smile that I haven't seen in his face since our first year of high school, as he did this I suddenly felt at ease and wanted to stay and just hang out with him. He then led me to the pool (while still holding my hand) and started to splash me with water as I complained about my hair, my clothes, etc... I just kept looking at his smile and how his hand was holding my hand; I can't find a word to explain my feelings accurately I felt such joy, such bliss; And at that very moment I started to drift into consciousness and I remember I woke up thinking: "God, don't let this be a dream" (matter of fact I think I said this as I woke up). When I opened my eyes completely and my mind realized that it was indeed a dream I felt such dissapointment and sadness and melancholy, saudade is you may, yes saudade was exactly what I felt.
   All day this feeling stuck with me, I wanted to call him, to ask him how he's doing, to ask him if he still dreams of moving to Japan, to ask him if we still have dreams in common, to ask him if life has been kind to him, if he has friend, real friends that got his back, to ask him if he remembers me as a good friend, as a real friend. But I couldn't because first of all I'm a chicken/ coward and because he lives in another country thousands of miles away, because I don't have his number. And because as much as I miss him I keep thinking of the last days(years) we spent as "friends" how unkind he was, how unfair and how I shed bitter tears because he my friend whom I cherished so much didn't stick by my side when I needed him the most. And I'm back at one, worrying about him, missing him but not reaching out to him. I hope that these dreams of mine are just my sub-concious playing games on me and have nothing ominous to them. M, I with all my heart wish that you are happy with the life you chose, I really do. Even if I write these "to the wind" instead of confronting you. I really wish you happiness wherever you are mi amigo.

sincerely, 

tu amiga Nia